I’m curious about how people (friends, couples, colleagues, lovers, siblings or other relationships) deal with being with each other when they decide to be not in touch anymore. How do you choose to be with a relationship that was once, in some form or other, positive, live-giving, inspiring, supporting, fun, nurturing or loving. There must have been something nourishing in that relationship, or something that was learnt out of the experience of that relationship that was worth remembering or cherishing.

Do disagreements and differences in points of view, matter so much that we walk away from relationships by hardening our hearts. I am sure there would have been many circumstances that caused these relationships to be where they are, and there are many justifications for the actions we take. And yet, I question the way we go about doing it.

I’ve seen and been in some situations where we as people deal with such circumstances. A couple I know, when their relationship went sour, the wife returned all the gifts that her husband had given her, not just gifts, every single thing that he had bought for her. Another time, a friend unfriended another from Facebook because they couldn’t see eye to eye anymore, and sometimes common friends were stuck, not knowing whose side to pick, who to invite to a party event, with the fear of offending the other. There are couples who are in constant conflict even after their divorce or separation that it has a negative impact on each other and their children( if they have any), some children who haven’t spoken to their parents for years, siblings who don’t speak to each other for years and that tradition being carried forward by their children.

Is it possible to undo all the good that’s already been done?

It deeply saddens me to see how relationships can disintegrate to nothing. And how we come to make make these choices. Are we trying to claim ourselves back, claim our hearts back, so that we get some form of closure? So that we will stop hurting? And is that the only way to go about it? Do we really stop hurting when we do that?

I’ve been divorced once, many years ago, and now when I look back, I’m very thankful for the dignity and respect with which it was handled. My father taught us to hold on to peace and compassion in even when it got messy. Mind you, my father is not a saint, and nor is he perfect, he’s had some messy relationships his life too, but how he made sure we maintained respect towards each other, each other’s families through out this difficult time, had a huge and lasting impact on me and my children.

There were times, when we are children, my father and his brothers would not not talking to each other. He would remind us that, what was between him and them, was just that – it was between them and we had nothing to do with it. We still did the house visits, spent time with our cousins, had our stay – overs.. Many a times, these visits were initiated by my father or his brothers even though they still dint meet eye to eye.

I’m forever grateful to him that it has left a lasting impression on me. I’ve learnt to not take conflicts to heart, to not write people off my life. If I can justify my acts and feel sorry for myself then I should be able to do the same for the other person too, for he/she has a heart just like mine, and feels pain just the way I do.

It’s easy to be loving, compassionate, respectful and caring when all is going well. Can we do the same while we are wounded and hurting too?

And, on a bigger scale when we read and get impacted by war, conflicts and violence around the world, what makes us think that it is any different from the ones we have in our own little worlds? It’s only a much bigger version of our little wars. If we cant keep our hearts open in our own little worlds, how can we even dream of peace for the world.

It is not easy, and I’m sure it will not be. I will be hurt, sad, mad, scared, angry or enraged by my different experiences of life. I might want to shut off and harden myself too.

Call me naive or foolish if you must, I am not perfect , BUT I choose to keep my heart open. I choose love ! I choose compassion! I choose Peace ! And I will keep making that choice.

Have you ever been in situations where you thought you knew something, and then suddenly realized that you had thought wrong?

Too often in life, we end up playing different roles. Its like we have written special character sketches like we see in the movies.

Imagine writing out a character sketch for ourselves and then conducting our life according to that ! What would yours look like ?

Some standard proclamations I have heard are  –

I don’t show emotions easily.
I don’t get too close to people.
I am the kind of person who only learns from my own experiences.
I cannot take advice from people.
I don’t make friends quickly.
I don’t trust easily.
I cannot be without friends.
I hate XXXXXX
I love XXXXX
I know myself well, This is how I do it.
No one can talk me out of a decision I have made.
This is how I express my anger
When I am mad at someone, I typically write them off my life..etc

How intricately we weave such characters and strive to live faithfully and religiously according to it.

What is your own character sketch ? To know that, make a list of sentences that you would use to describe yourself, your character, your relationships, your attitudes to life, your assumptions about people, places, things etc.

When holding onto these roles too close, we are limiting ourselves from discovering other roles we are capable of stepping into. We confine ourselves by what we know.

Notice how holding on to these roles so tightly, prevent us from experiencing new life experiences, and stop us from evolving. Its always good to notice where in our life,  we might be doing this a bit more, where our characters are very prominent,  probably  related to our attitude towards life, our work, or your relationship patterns with certain people.

We took on these roles for various reasons, probably as a shield or mask, to protect us from uncomfortable situations at some point in our past and they probably served us well at that point. We probably just grew into it, slowly but surely, even though they  stopped serving us anymore.

What if we shed these roles ? Let go of all these descriptions of who we are how how we function ? Imagine the many interesting roles we could play in our life, if we weren’t attached to holding on tightly to certain specific roles. The fear we face is more about losing who we imagine we are. than anything else, Let go of all that !

Don’t take yourself so seriously. Relax! Life is good, as long you let it flow through you. When being told a hard truth, take it at face value. Take a hard took at yourself, but don’t be hard on yourself. Be gracious enough to accept the reality of it, and learn from it.

Adopt an adventurous perceptive,  What if we tried that, what if we listened to an advice,  that is different from our perspective or different from our character sketch of how things should be, what if we dint believe that our identity was at stake? Hw different would our life be then?

We might surprise ourselves by discovering new parts of ourselves. Honestly, i do not think we will ever get rid of roles in our lives. As we will keep stepping into new roles, we also let of old ones. And the best way check if we are on the right track it to ask ourselves, is this role helping me step into who I am, do I feel empowered by this role, then go ahead and hold on to it. You are here for a reason.

Let’s other views in, especially the ones that are radically different from our own. Try them on for size. Who knows we might even like it. If not, we might discover something new.Try out different perspectives  of looking at things. GROW,  EXPLORE … LIVE !

Sheena Yusuf

Controlling Emotions” is a strong word as far as I perceive it. Emotions

We as human beings are emotional beings. We feel fear, anger, sad, joy, disgust etc

We cannot change or control our emotions. We can learn how to be with emotions, learn be at peace with them, how to release and manage emotions, but we cannot control them.

Yet, we grow up with the notion that we are supposed to control and suppress our emotions. We are called too silly or too emotional if we show our emotions. Hence over times it has become second nature for us the control our emotions.

In fact if we learn to pay attention to them and notice our emotions, they will help us dig deeper and understand as to what beliefs of our past experiences are causing these emotions.

For example – when feel anger and let it take over us or act on it, we are bound to create damage. Some of us are so consumed by anger but we don’t express it.

But if we can be with our anger and notice it, we will see that we are probably feeling angry because of our inability to express our feelings. We feel vulnerable doing so, and are also afraid that it might not be received well, hence shut ourselves from doing deeper. We stay at the surface level of emotion.

We either act on the emotion or create damage on the outside or we suppress and control our emotions to the point that in the end we lose it or explode. Either way both have unfavorable consequences.

Being with the emotion or managing the emotions is merely about being present with our emotions. So its just the basic principle of being in the “NOW” – staying present and not letting our thoughts drift the emotions away

The key is to the notice how we are feeling and also using our body to do so and not our head. Our “Head” comes up with logics, reason, plans, strategies and solutions and distract us from what we are feeling.

Our head – take us to the past by analyzing or to the future by planning hat to do next.

So, if we are feeling an emotion, and we want to stop our head from going on a wild ride with it, we can keep bringing it back to our body.

We can ask our self– how do I know I am feeling this emotion ?(for example, anger) There is some sensation in the body and is giving us the message that feeling that emotion of anger, like feeling hot in the ears, or like a raging fire in the chest, or like a feeling like the chest is going to explode. Staying with this feeling and exploring this though our body will help us process the anger better.

Explore the feeling in your body, till we reach a point where we don’t feel that emotion anymore or till that body sensation feels different. And then unconsciously solutions and answers come to us.

This is not easy at first, and it helps to have a coach guide us though this in the beginning, because we naturally try to distract ourselves from uncomfortable feeling. But over time, it gets easier, and helps us to process our emotions easier.