Author: Sheena Yusuf

Free Fall into Life

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“Something is going to come out of this. Something New. This can end you up in a whole new place. A much more open place.”

Pema Chödrön

This quote popped up on the screen while browsing on my mobile a few days ago. I love the quote !

There were many places my mind went to upon reading this quote. One of it is the most common one we all go to. It was about looking at all life experiences from a very optimistic perspective, that reads something along the lines of – It’s all for the good !

The hope that everything is for the good, makes the hard or challenging situation more bearable because there is hope of light at the end of the tunnel. That means we have already labelled what we are experiencing in the present as not acceptable, something that needs to be endured and eventually overcome as there is a gift at the end of that “suffering”.

The other part that stood out for me was – “something new is going to come out of it”.One can go to different perspectives or make different interpretations reading it.

One of it can be a sense of panic about the CHANGE that the “new” is going to bring that we are not ready for yet. In fact we might be petrified of something new and different. Change is scary for many of us.

And the other interpretation might be that, it is definitely going to be something new, so we start dreaming and building castles of what we imagine it would be. We become attached to our assumptions.

Either way, what I am noticing is that our mind is so attached to “control”. We find it hard give up that control. We want to be at the driver’s seat. We want to have control over change, so that we can relax into it because, then we know what’s coming and we know what to expect. We are looking for certainty and predictability.

That’s one of the reasons why we find comfort when we hold the belief that – everything is for the good and that there is a eternal bliss waiting for us at the END of that experience.

When we get to that END, we may or may not find that peace and bliss that we were looking for. When we don’t, we get dejected and disappointed about life. When we do find it, we set up shop and get comfortable hoping and expecting that life is going to remain that way forever. We want things to remain constant. We don’t want Change. Again, we want the control !

I know I have played in this domain a lot. I want control over my life. I want to know where I am heading.
I don’t like uncertainty and change. There are times in my life, when I have overcome something that’s was really hard, and I have just put my feet up to relax, when I thought I had figured it all out, the ground beneath me suddenly crumbled and disappeared. I felt lost all over again. And I would go, Oh no ! Not again ! It’s like playing a video game, when progressing up level by level, I get to Level 24, and then suddenly finding myself in Level 1 back again !

This the trap I fall into. I am making an assumption that there are many others like me.

Most of us are resistant to change at various degrees. We like the permanency of things. But the irony is that, the only thing that’s permanent in life is Impermanence. Nothing is constant.

When we close ourselves from the possibility of change, we miss out experiencing anything new. I say “miss out” because change happens anyway but we go unconscious and not notice it because we are still clinging on to the past.

Being attached to the hope for better is crippling. Holding a view of the present or the now being a suffering is very discouraging and demotivating too.

I want to look at it differently. It is what it is ! No matter what I do, life is coming coming my way at full force. How I choose to look at any circumstance influences and colors my life.

There were lot of my friends and family who comforted us after my brother Lasheen’s death last year, which some viewed as an unfortunate incident, unfair and cruel act of fate. I have been devastated and I have missed him terribly but never once I have thought of it as unfortunate and not meant to be.

It’s is a part of this game of life. And I don’t mean just death, all of it ! Rule no 1 – Be open to impermanence . The negative labeling makes it hard to move forward. The overly positive labeling might numb us from the emotions of the present. IT IS WHAT IT IS !

So, coming back to the quote. What does NEW mean? As I said earlier our mind tends to make stories of the present or the future from our stories of the past.

I look up the the meaning of the word NEW: produced, introduced, or discovered recently or now for the first time; not existing before.

That means, in order for us to experience the actual NEW, we’ve got to let go of that branch, we have to give up control, give up what we know and be willing to surrender, ready to be swept away by the process of life. Only then can we experience NEW to the fullest and truest extent. The rest is all recycled and rearranged old !

Does that mean we don’t get to dream? Of course we get to dream ! And we get to make it as colorful and vivid as we want it to be. We then send the dream out as a prayer, let go and be unattached, leave ourselves open to what life has to be bring. Surrender to our life and journey.

The juice is in the journey. The gifts are in the present moment. This is my invitation to myself each of you. – Closed your eyes, and free fall into LIFE !

Experience the New !

With love, respect and in gratitude,

Sheena Yusuf
May 7, 2015

It all comes down to choice !

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This article was inspired by a conversation I recently had with a friend. We were catching up on each other’s lives, when she said something along the lines of, “I have no choice, I have to do this!.

This is far too familiar a line for me!  I have heard and said those words so many times in my life too, during challenging circumstances.

People stay on their jobs, feeling frustrated and unfulfilled because they have no other choice but do it in order to support their families and fulfil their responsibilities.

Women stay on in unhappy marriages because they have no other choice! Who would financially support them? What would happen to their children?

Some adults move closer to their aging/sick parents, sometimes giving up on their lives and jobs to take care of them, because they have no choice.

Unhappy couples continue to drag their relationships in spite of it not working for them, because they don’t have a choice but to stay. How can they disappoint their family? What would people say?

We sometimes tell our children that they don’t have a choice but to be or do things a certain way.

People continue to put up with emotionally draining environments in spite of the stuck-ness and suffocation they experience. It’s no less than self-torture.

What I find very interesting is that when we say we don’t have a choice, we are truly convinced that there is no other choice.

The inherent belief system of “not having a choice” exists or we hold on to that with a lot of conviction due to various reasons. We don’t want to upset the system, create a stir and upset status quo.

We feel inadequate or ill-equipped to deal with difficult situations. It feeds our ego more to believe we don’t have a choice than to admit our unwillingness to take personal responsibility for where we are.

What this belief does is that it impairs our capacity of IMAGINATION. We are unable to magine a different outcome, a different reality, imagine other POSSIBILITIES!

It’s easier to blame it on fate, on other people, or other circumstances. It’s easier to believe that life happened to us and we are victims, because it takes the focus away from looking within ourselves.

And, by saying and believing that we don’t have a choice, we also end up making it our reality. We make our victim story come true! Our beliefs become our reality.

Truth is, WE ARE ALWAYS AT CHOICE. And the bigger truth is that with our present life and circumstances, WE HAVE CHOSEN TO BE THERE!

There are so many choices. And making these choices involve having a dream or desire for a different outcome regardless of where things are. It involves taking personal responsibility for the choices we made that got us here.

It involves making some hard choices. It involves stepping out of our comfort zone to create a reality from conscious choice and not the reality that got created while we went unconscious at the steering wheel of our life.

We are at conscious choice to create different outcomes and different experiences. We don’t give ourselves enough credit for that SUPERPOWER we each possess to create and live the life of our dreams.

What conscious choice are you making? What is holding you back ?
You can choose to LIVE ON PURPOSE beginning this moment! It time to wake up and assume ownership and responsibility for yourself.
With love, respect and in gratitude,

Sheena Yusuf

April 4, 2015

One Year Ago: Remembering My Bigger-Than-Life Brother Lasheen

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As I lay awake in bed this morning, thinking about life, pausing in the present to notice where I am today, rewinding to the past few years, and then specifically this last year, impatiently wanting to fast forward to know what lies in the future, my mind and heart become flooded with memories of my brother, Lasheen.

Tomorrow, March 30, 2015, will be a year since he has left us.

One year
A very long year
A year of tears
A year of sadness
A year of gratitude
A year of remembrance
A year of laughter
A year of immense growth
A year of huge transformation
A year of stepping into courage
A year of exploring the unknown

Most of all

A year of LOVE

Today I am remembering his HUGE capacity to LOVE and how he expressed it so beautifully.

I recall one special story quite vividly.

A few years ago, I had a conversation with him about his life and what he wanted more of, at that point in time. Actually, it was not a conversation. I had arm-twisted him into being my practice client when I was training to be a life coach. That conversation/coaching session ended with him expressing his dream of wanting to attend a writing workshop in Scotland. I can still remember his eyes light up as he spoke about it, and I could see his heart was longing for it. I challenged him to make that dream come true.

After he left, I had a conversation with my mom and brother about the possibility of gifting that to him. We all pitched in and that little dream of his came true.

Fast forward a few months, he went to Scotland for the workshop. He came to visit me a few days after his return, very eager show me a slideshow of the photographs he had taken. For those of you who don’t know it already, he was an amazing photographer and was also my guide and mentor when I stepped into the world of Photography.

It was a busy evening for me that day, and I kept stalling him. I even told him to leave the CD with me so that I could watch it later. He insisted on showing it to me in person.

So, after cribbing and complaining to him about my lack of time and his insensitivity towards it, I sat down in front of my laptop to watch this slideshow. I wanted to see it just to make him happy.

What I experienced that day was something completely different and unexpected.

The slideshow, accompanied with some beautiful background music, showed many of his photographs from this retreat, some beautiful winter pictures, and then some very beautiful moments captured with his team members.

Then it shifted to a video of a lady speaking a foreign language, talking to the camera. I barely caught the word Sheena in her speech, and then another person came on and spoke her words, and another one, and another, and many others after that.

What I heard brought tears to my eyes! Each of them was speaking to me, Sheena!. Thanking me for sending Lasheen to this workshop and how it was such a pleasure seeing and experiencing Lasheen.

I was in shock! He had actually made this for me! And this was his way of showing love and gratitude, his way of telling me how much I meant to him.

Now mind you, Lasheen had this special SUPER POWER. He could charm almost anyone and everyone in his life into believing that they were most special to him, because we all had such special and unique experiences with him that moved our hearts.

Such was his love!

I have had so many people write to me and tell me about what an amazing brother I had and how he was this perfect guy. A larger than life person! 🙂

Lasheen was far from perfect! He was famous for the foul mood and sulking face he woke up with every morning. If you crossed his path while he was in thatspace, you were doomed. He didn’t forgive easily. There was a time in our relationship where we didn’t talk to each other for months. He was very impatient if you weren’t up to speed with him. He hated sharing his food, his life revolved around his hundreds of friends. He wasn’t great at handling finances. Those are a few of his “flaws”.

So he was not perfect!

And who says one has to be perfect! We are not meant to be perfect. We are meant to LIVE, FALL and FAIL and begin that dance again. We are meant to LOVE!

The one big lesson I walk away with and will carry with me forever, from my experience of him, as his sister and even now after he is gone, is this – “At the end of the day people won’t remember what you said or did, they will remember how you made them feel.” Maya Angelou.

With love, respect and in gratitude,

Sheena Yusuf
March 29, 2015

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Deepening Our Intimacy

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Have you ever held the perspective in relationships, where, in spite of something clearly not working, you chose to let go of your position even though you were bothered by it?

You looked only at the bright side of most things instead of focusing on what’s not working?

You forgave people who treated you poorly because you felt it was not intentional, and that they didn’t know better?

You did not make a big deal about stuff because you wanted to keep things simple?

I have been there and done that for years…

That might be all great and optimistic and it probably served you too. And…there is probably something about that on your blindside that you are not conscious of!

I know what has been true for me, is that, when I have chosen these positions in relationships, even though I felt strongly connected to them, I was doing so because, unconsciously, I was avoiding conflict. I didn’t want to rock the boat or be the one to start the fire.

And why was I doing that? Because I was taught that fights and conflicts were unhealthy. It was something we had to stay away from or fix immediately.

As children, we were told to shake hands, hug or kiss and make up quickly when we were in a fight with other children.  And, peace was obviously favored over conflict. Who wants to feel anger, resentment, the awkwardness, discomfort in the body, restlessness, the feel of fumes coming out of one’s ears when one can just choose peace and walk away from all of that?

I am curious to hear what your perspective around conflict is? To me it means trouble. It creates stuckness, leaves one with unexpressed emotions, it’s the end!  It’s never ending!, it’s messy, like opening a pandora’s box. And, someone creating the conflict is more or less considered a villain, trouble maker and a peace destroyer.

Obviously, holding that perspective made me run as far away from conflict as I could. And, the story I told myself was that, I was going to be the better person, take the high road, be more understanding and keep things simple. But, at the cost of what?

Sure enough, my ego was justified in doing so, as I felt it was the RIGHT thing to do! It was the most acceptable response by society too.

But this had many flipsides. By not choosing a different response, I created more mess for myself. Some relationships were not just getting better even though I had chosen my so called “right” path. Because, I was training people in my life to treat me the same by refusing to choose a different response to their actions.

I was also pushing people away from my life because my relationships were not really deep and authentic. It would not last the test of conflict. It also didn’t have much flavor to it.

Another very interesting consequence was that, I wasn’t present to someone else’s emotions. The moment things were border-lining on what I perceived to be conflict, I would tune out of their emotions, wants or needs to be the better person and skip over things. I would get all logical in order to do the right thing. They didn’t feel seen or heard by me. I listened to the words for sure, but not the need or want expressed through those words.

What I had failed to understand then was that, relationships are built one conversation at a time. The ones we choose, have to stay in even when things get hard and messy. And, relationships deteriorate one conversation at a time, by the conversations we choose to avoid over and over again. 

An interesting line I read recently in a book really spoke to me – THE CONVERSATION IS THE RELATIONSHIP!

Often we assume that  when we have had one hard conversation, we are done! Everything that needed to be said, was said, and now we can move on. We feel impatient to revisit them again when something crops up! We get impatient when people in our lives invite more conversation.

But it’s never done, because we are constantly evolving and so are the people we are in relationship with. Hence, the relationship is also never constant, it is transforming and evolving too. When we miss out the conversations, we miss out on the relationships.

Conflicts are merely a sign that something new wants to come into the space of the relationship and that the previous equation of the relationship no longer holds true.

Intimacy in a relationship doesn’t get created just like that from just intention. We have to be ready to get dirty and messy. Intimacy gets created when we lay our hearts out on the line, when we speak from our hearts, when we speak of things we never imagined speaking about, when we are not afraid of messing up, through our fights and tears. And then, when our hearts crack open we get to see one another, we get to see our oneness.

 

That’s where the juice is!

 

 

New people, new experiences and new perspectives – A new world view

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Greetings from Boston !

I am flying to Boston and onward to Asheville for Retreat 2 of my leadership program. The last 10 hours in the air has had me reflect on a few things. I have been observing myself and others at the airport and on the flight now; I realize that I haven’t had a real conversation with any new people yet. Most of the interactions have been skimming on the surface, a lot of them transactional.

I am on seat 17D. The seat next to me is empty, there’s a lady in 17F. It’s been 10 hours into the flight and I haven’t had a conversation with her yet. I briefly helped her with the entertainment system because she wasn’t familiar with it. I also noted from this brief interaction with her that i had trouble following her accent. She is …………………………………

I was trying to describe her here and then realized it would all be speculation. So I took a break from my typing, just struck a conversation with her for a bit. Her name is Alice, she is in her 70’s, she is from Zimbabwe, flying to Boston for the first time. She is going to be visiting her daughter and is excited to be there for the next few months. Strange, this time I understood when she spoke.

Those few minutes of conversation with her and then describing her to you, suddenly made her real and human to me. Up until now she was a old lady on seat 17F who dint know how to work the entertainment system. I notice that now I feel warmer towards her, I looked at her face and into her eyes and SAW her.

Every person we meet, every face we see, there is something beyond what we see. There is a story there, I wonder what her story is.

Some of us are great at first interactions. I know a certain someone who could pick up a conversation with just about anyone, on just about any topic under the sun. That takes a lot of passion, passion to connect & get know people and openness to new experiences.

And then there are some of us, who find it comfortable to connect with people we find something common with, same age, origin, culture, background, interests, profession etc. For the most part of my life I had been like this.

I wonder why we switch on to a different mode in certain situations, like when we meet people on a flight, in the elevator, or at the supermarket. We suddenly have these masks on, our posture changes, our expressions are more controlled. What stops us from being real in the moment ? What kind of situations have that impact on you ?

Why do we hold on to ourselves or guard ourselves so close when we are around new people. What stops us from connecting from the heart. What are we afraid of? Is it from the assumption that getting real also means getting personal ?

Every new person we meet, is life presenting us with the opportunity of new experiences. So if we can briefly suspend our beliefs, ideas and assumptions about life and keep ourselves open to such interactions, we would open out and stretch our inner world and outer worlds.

Happy New Year – 2015

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Happy New Year ! Thank you for being a part of my life.

As the new year begins, GRATITUDE is a word that I feel very drawn to. FREEDOM is another one !

I am grateful for experiencing the power of people, how people have showed up in my life this year, and about how I have been inspired to show up in mine. My new year of course begins with remembering Lasheen and feeling extremely grateful for, having known him all his life, my journey with him, the unforgettable experiences I had with him, our fights, our makeups, his fierce love & care, and all the gifts he left me with.

I am grateful to each and every beautiful soul who reached out me and our family when he was gone. You know who you are ! Every little connection, message, email, call, hug, reassurance, and space you held was huge. Thank you so much for that !

I feel blessed and lucky to have so many people, my family, friends and my tribe who are add and contribute to my life in such a significant and profound manner. A big thank you to those of you who made 2014 a powerful & memorable one with such exponential growth for me.

Thank you for creating with me !

FREEDOM is the name of the game for me this year. And I wish you the same ! Freedom to explore yourself, explore your boundaries, go beyond them, to be fully you, to fly, to soar, and to THRIVE !

“My mission in life is not merely to survive; but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor and some style”

Maya Angelou

The Mirror on the wall doesn’t capture it all!

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The Mirror on the wall doesn’t capture it all!

Earlier this evening, I listened to this beautiful audio link posted by my friend, Carolyn A. Dragon It was a talk by John O Donohue. Something he said, hit a chord and had me reflecting for a while.

“Behind every face there is a secret life. So much is contained inside the human body. The human face is strange, how on such a small canvas such a variety of presence can appear. Each of us is known by our face. And one of the strangest thing is that none of us have really seen our own face!”

I had never really thought of that. It is true, we know and identify people by their faces. It’s the faces that first catches our the attention when we connect to someone. And, isn’t it strange that we haven’t really seen our own face. We have seen images of it in the reflections of windows and mirrors.

When was the last time you saw your face? I mean, really seen your face like how you have seen another’s face. What we see mostly is a two dimensional view, which is strongly biased by how we feel in the moment. When we are on a low, we don’t see much that we can appreciate. In fact, we can find many flaws in the way we look.

Recently, I had the opportunity to hold a mirror up to my face and look at myself for twenty mins, which seemed like the longest twenty mins of my life. I must admit, in the beginning it seemed like pure torture. Every time I looked at it, I would want to look away immediately because all I was seeing were flaws. I noticed one eye of mine was smaller than the other. I had a weird sloppy smile. I could see so many wrinkles up close, my nose had an unusually rounded tip… and I could go on and on. It look me a while to get comfortable and see more than that. At some point in that activity I did find parts of me that I liked, but it still wasn’t a full acceptable of myself.

There are many of us who are absolutely comfortable with the way they look and I personally know many of them. They can stare at and admire themselves for hours. They are in love with themselves. It is pure joy witnessing that. And, there are many of us who aren’t comfortable about the way we look.

As a photographer I am fascinated by faces. I believe the faces are windows to one’s soul, through the eyes and the expressions. Listening to that audio, was an affirmation to to myself about why I love my photography work. There is a reason why I call it SOUL PHOTOGRAPHY. I claim to capture people’s souls through my photography,

When I shoot pictures of portraits of people or their relationships, I am shooting more than faces and people, I capture their soul and essence. It brings me alive seeing this expression of their being. What excites me more is to give them the gift of seeing themselves, they way I see them and how their loved ones see them, and not just what they see in their mirror. I want them to see how they look in their expression of life.

I want for them to see their aliveness, the twinkle in their eyes, how their lips curl into a smile, the way their eyebrows change shapes with the subtlest of expressions, the way their eyes smile, the way the head tilts, or they shrug their shoulders, the dimples they never noticed before. I want for them to see and experience themselves from the outside, to see their innocence, their shyness, their strength, their confidence, their power, their playfulness, their aliveness, their vulnerability, their beauty, their charm and so much more. I want them to see and feel their souls !

So this is my request to people who are not so fond of their refection, please be compassionate to yourselves. It is not a true reflection of you and your essence . Please don’t judge what you see, for you don’t the whole picture.

We are not a snapshot in a moment in time. We are much more than that.We are who we are when we are the fullest expression of ourselves. And that is just absolutely beautiful to see and be seen !

Sheena Yusuf
http://www.sheenayusuf.com

22 December 2014

Let your Heart Lead

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Let your Heart Lead.

I was on a long flight to Chicago the other day, and reflecting on what it means to me to live with passion. This is what came up for me.

DANCING like nobody is watching…

SINGING like it’s the purest and deepest expression of your soul…

LAUGHING till you start crying….

CRYING like it’s a natural expression of joy and pain ….

HUGGING like you want to capture all of the essence of connection in that moment in time…

SMILING like your heart is wide open and is smiling with you too…

SEEING like you are really seeing and feeling from the heart……

STRETCHING out of your comfort zone like it’s the most natural thing to do in life….

DOING something for the pure passion of just doing it….

BEING awed by the beauty of nature and Mother Earth…..

LOVING & experiencing pure joy, passion, intimacy, connection, innocence and gratitude in that…

TOUCHING like it’s the most tender and natural way you show you care……

BREATHING like you are taking in a little LIFE with each breadth you take….

TRUSTING the process of Life….

LIVING like you are absolutely grateful for this brief and incredible gift of LIFE that God granted you……

When we live in the present moment without letting our head get in the way of our heart, this is exactly how we would show up.

I invite you to live with passion today.

– Sheena

December 6, 2014

A Matter of Pespective

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Interesting experience at Mumbai airport yesterday.

I walk up to the immigration counter, smile at the officer, wish him good evening and hand him my passport. He doesn’t respond or acknowledge . He then asks me when I entered the country last, I respond, one month after a slight pause wondering if I should have told him the date instead.

All of this conversation is in Hindi of course. He asks me what my profession is. I respond, business. He then says, “You have too much emotions in your face, how can you do business? People who are successful in business don’t show emotions on on their face”

He looks at my face for some kind of a response. I simply smile at him.

After stamping the exit stamp on my passport, he hands me back my passport, looks into my eyes again and says, ” You will not be a good business person, you are not capable of it” He pauses again looking at my face for a response or reaction I assume.

Not sure if there was a particular manner in which I was supposed to respond. I smile, take my passport, say thank you again and walk away.

This is playing in my mind, when I walk to the customs declaration counter to declare my photography equipment. I was expecting a similar attitude from this officer too I guess, so I was a little guarded. And it took me by surprise, when he smiled and he struck a conversation with me about my photography, what my speciality was in this field. I then showed him images from a recent shoot. He also gave a Rasgulla, an Indian sweet, while he helped me fill the forms.

As I was leaving he said, “I want you to read a book, I am sure it will help you immensely in your photography and work, you will take amazing pics. The name of the book is ‘The Diamond Cutter’ by Geshe Michael Roach. You will love the book ! Once you read it I want you to write to me about your experience and also share the learning with others”

I remember to note down his email address before I thank him and walk away.

Not sure what was in it for me, but it was really interesting to observe such contrasting experiences within minutes of each other.

Typically I would have just forgotten or written this off and random things that happen in our life. Something is different this time.

For now I have downloaded the book on my Kindle, and I intend to read it.The rest will fall into place.

This was no coincidence, just synchronicity !

The No Apology Apology

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How hard is it really, to apologise or hear someone who is feeling hurt? In reality it is quite simple and yet I feel we make it hard because of our perspective towards it.

When we hear something from someone that requires an apology from us, we usually get defensive and justify ourselves and our actions. More often than not, we convince the other person that we didn’t mean to hurt them or it was not our intention to do it. Sometimes we retort back saying that wasn’t such a big deal to get so worked up about.

So this is what happens, someone comes up to us feeling upset/mad/ sad by some action of ours. Something we said or did happens to hurt them. It hit them hard. Now, we need to understand that they might express it in different ways. Either they are angry or hostile and attacking us or they are sad and upset telling us how they feel about it. Either way what is happening is that, the other person is expressing pain, sadness and hurt feelings, regardless of whether they have the language to articulate it the right way or not.

To simplify it, it’s all about THEM really! They are trying to say that by this particular ACTION of ours. THEY were upset or THEIR feelings were hurt.

What we hear though, is something completely different. Because by now, it’s not really us listening, it’s our ego who is hearing it. Hence we see fingers pointed at us, and it’s quite funny how selective our hearing can become at this point. We hear – “YOU did this or YOU said that, hence YOU hurt my feelings, YOU made me sad, and YOU upset me, YOU are WRONG”. That’s when our ego decides to go on a wild ride. From here on, we have lost that person.

So, it’s really not us. Our reaction has been triggered by a feeling of being criticised or blamed. This person, in this situation was hurt by an action of ours. Another person might not have been impacted the same way under the exact circumstances. All we want to do is to tune into the sensitivity of different people. Not everybody is the same. What we could also do is get curious about NEED or REQUEST BEHIND THE COMPLAINT, rather than take off as soon as we hear words that feel like a personal accusation. We should ask: What’s really going on? What is he/she needing now? That’s the difference between seeing the other with the EYES and seeing, hearing & feeling from the HEART.

Moreover what is really a complain? It’s a plea to be SEEN or HEARD.

When adults express such feelings they are in fact tuning into their inner child. All they want is to have their pain validated, to feel seen and heard for who they are, with all the dents and bruises on their heart.

Moreover, an apology needn’t be expressed only because we did something wrong. We can also be sorry that someone is in pain or they are feeling hurt and just be with them without taking it upon us or blaming ourselves.

I’ve had immense experience being on both sides. I have been the receiver of a complaint and have completely shut the person down many times, because I was truly justified in my action. I believed that my intention was right, and I didn’t mean to hurt the other person, so I had nothing to worry about. In my view the other person was whining and complaining unnecessarily. What I didn’t realize was that there is also something called impact.

Even with the best of intentions our responses always have impact, intended and unintended. When we understand our impact on others, we can calibrate our responses based on what we want to create in our relationships with others.

I have been on the other side too. I would have put my heart out there, feeling vulnerable and expressing how hurt I was feeling expecting to be hugged or held. But the response I received had me walk away feeling dejected and frustrated because I didn’t feel seen or heard by the other. I also admit that not always have I had the language and vocabulary to express what I was feeling. :-). Many a times, by the time the words were out of my mouth, they would have magically changed to blame and criticism.

I have also had the experience of feeling deeply impacted by something a dear friend had said to me recently. It took some courage from my end to express it to her. I was blown way by her response. She stayed, she apologised for what she said, and was deeply sorry, without any justification or self blame. It was done in such a beautiful way ; I felt seen and heard by her completely that I could just completely let of that pain.

All said and done, not always are we going to be in the frame of mind of saying things or hearing things in the right way. Shit happens! We will get triggered many a times. We make mistakes, we aren’t perfect. What we can do however is to stop when we feel things are going in a direction we didn’t intend for it to go. We can recover by beginning again. We can say, “I am sorry, let’s try this again” and we can choose a different response this time.

And we can keep recovering.That’s quite simple to do!

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