I share some wisdom and insights from my journey through complexity, hoping that it will be of value to you. Do feel free to add to it from your own experiences. Listing them down as a reminder to myself for the future. You, my dears, could also look at it as a sort a bag of ‘mining tools’, from a fellow traveller, should you find yourselves on this path at any point.
Be kind, compassionate and loving to ourselves with the kind of tenderness and warmth, we would have towards a little child. Talk to ourselves as if we are talking to the child in us who is having a hard time with something. This is what I do while comforting my son, I would hold my son close, rub his back, just be with him in silence, sometimes tell him that I understand its tough, but everything is going to be okay. I want him to know I will there for him come rain or shine. Some of the toughest of times, when I felt down and beaten, I have practiced that with myself and it has been an empowering and profoundly healing experience since I was taking the ownership of loving and caring for myself when most needed, rather than leaving that up for grabs.
Accept the law of Polarity. Positive and Negative are both inseparable parts of the same continuum. So is life & death, sickness & health, rise & fall, beginning & ending. Everything has its pair of opposites. A lot of us tend to favour pleasure over pain. The moment we face anything out of the norm, we tense up as though bracing for impact. We need to remind ourselves and accept that each is a part of the same whole.
Stop looking for reasons of why something happened. One of the typical things we do is to look for reasons why and how something happened the way it did. This process only throw us into a never ending loop, which keeps us from addressing the present. Haven’t you heard the story of the man who lost the keys in the dark but is searching for under a lamp post only since its brighter there? There is no reason why something happened. It just happened. How do we want to be what IS? What do we want to do about it?
Stop trying to normalise things that are not normal.Imagine, when a dog loses one of her legs, she has physically lost her equilibrium and balance. She is going to be struggling with a limp until she has adapted to this new reality. It’s the same for you and I. It is going to take time. What is right here and right now is the new normal. A lot of us continue to function as through life is ‘business as usual’, when it is most definitely not. Give ourselves time to adapt to and accept the new normal as the status quo has most definitely shifted. Since we are not functioning at full capacity, to make like easier, we might have prioritise on what really important and let go if things that bog us down,
Ask for help. We don’t have to do it all our own. We can and must ask for help, for the sake of our wellbeing. Asking for help is highly deprioritised when people find themselves in a bind. ‘Asking for Help’ can mean different things to different people. We might need help with chores; Help with routine or mundane tasks which we currently don’t have the emotional and physical bandwidth for; Help with finances. Ask for help! Logic proves that there is more chance of us receiving aid/support when we ask for it as opposed to not.
Blaming is not going to get us anywhere.It has us going through a never-ending loop that prevents us from exploring our experiences to the depth of it. And yet it is an essential stage of dealing with grief or complexity. When we stay curious about, it helps us to uncover and understand our real emotions and need, beneath the blame.
Be gentle with our relationships. Be compassionate and kind to each other and ourselves. Relationships become quite fragile during a crisis; they need to held with a lot of tenderness. When everyone is under pressure or firefighting, we don’t realise we end up triggering each other without even intending to so. We need to remind ourselves that we aren’t our usual selves neither are our loved ones. The environment is fertile conducive to causing misunderstanding, hurt, judgment, miscommunication etc., so let’s cut ourselves and others some slack.
Never underestimate the power of touch. We understand that our children feel soothed and comforted when we touch, hold or hug them, and yet we forget that as adults we need the same. The power of touch is miraculous; holding or being held can do wonders to shift our energy space, and have us feel calm and nurtured. Touch can be in the form of a stroke on the cheek, a rub on the back, a tap on the shoulder, a kiss on the forehead, holding hands, leaning against someone or even a massage. These are all little that makes a huge difference.
Find our support system, who we can lean on. We might have a huge circle of friends, acquaintances and family, but when things get rough, there are only a few of them who have the capacity and time to be there for us. We don’t need to take it personally, no nobody is perfect and no one can meet all of our needs. I have been gifted with a great support system of family and friends, who have been my pillar and rock, whether it was about needing a shoulder to cry on, help running errands, financial support. someone to just listen to me patiently while I ramble like broken record, or someone who tells me buck up, pick myself up and get going when the venting turns to self pity. We will know when we are with our people, all we have to do is to be ready to trust, receive and give.
To be continued..
Click to read – When the going gets tough, start mining gold! Part 1 of 5
Life & Relationship Coach (CPCC)